Now and again while working as a journalist, you encounter people whom even a cynical old hack would describe as 'inspirational'. Cath Sandy, the co-ordinator for Tamba's lone parent support group is one such person.
Cath is shown (left) in this picture taken at the launch of One Up magazine and with her gorgeous family.
I interviewed Cath for the following article for One Up, about the challenges facing lone parents with multiple birth children.
Do twins mean double the trouble for a lone parent? Two inspirational mothers tell Linda Jones why that old cliché doesn’t always ring true.
Ask any parent of twins and they’ll tell you about the bizarre comments they put up with while out shopping or just walking in the park.
“You’ve got your hands full!” Coo well-meaning on-lookers, or worse ask like so many others before them: “Are they identical?”
But for Catherine Sandy, being clucked over by complete strangers as she negotiated the aisles of her local supermarket with her babies, was the least of her worries.
She split unexpectedly with the twins’ father when they were just seven months.Catherine, aged 42, of New Haw in Surrey is one of life’s true survivors.
Three years on she says she’s cried lots – out of exhaustion and despair. Money worries have been overwhelming at times and family sickness has been especially tough.
But Catherine has also laughed often and so have her children. Today she describes them as healthy, happy and vibrant and she’s currently busy planning a camping trip.
Adam and Luke are now four. Their older sister, Warona, is 15.
The boys’ dad was removed by the police after assaulting Catherine.
“When Paul* left, I was already exhausted. I’d felt like a lone parent to the twins for seven months already, but I now had to cope with feeling heartbroken, ashamed and petrified about how I would provide for the children. I don’t think I would have coped without my friends around me,” says Catherine
She signed on with Income Support but suffered a major blow when Paul made a claim for Working Tax credit, as if he still lived at home with his family. She found herself investigated for benefit fraud. Although she was cleared, her Income Support was withheld during the three-month investigation. A major turning point came when her old employers – who Catherine says were amazing - allowed her to return to work. She started doing four hours and built up to16 hours. This meant Catherine was now entitled to Working and Family Tax Credits.
““From this point I started to recover my self esteem. I felt empowered. If I could deal with a situation like that, well I can deal with anything!
“I’m so proud that our home is happy and full of love and laughter. I know I am not alone, or a bad person, or a bad mother and actually by holding everything together and providing for my children I am pretty amazing.
“I now stand up for myself and my children, I don’t ‘just put up with’ anything.
“I’ve had to learn to ask for help. If you ask, there are so many people willing to lend a hand but they are not psychic.”
Money worries are still at the forefront of the family’s mind – with Catherine using every offer and voucher going.
Friends remain a major source of support.
“They prop me up on the down days and celebrate with me on the ‘up’ days,” says Catherine.
“My family lives away but is always at the end of the phone and is wonderful when I just need to share something or ask advice.”
Now Catherine draws on her own experience to help others. Not only does she run a local twins club, but also she has a paid role with Tamba, The Twins and Multiple Births Association, as a Parenting Education Co-ordinator. She’s also now at the helm of the charity’s Lone Parent Support Group which has more than 120 members.
She says: “With a lot of love from family and friends I am now working, paying the mortgage and providing for my children.
“My daughter is doing well at school and my boys are cheeky and lively and wonderfully happy. In my life there has been great pain but I have the privilege of sharing my life with three wonderful people, we laugh and cuddle and love, and nothing is better than that. I truly am so lucky.
Helen Forbes, director of Tamba, reveals there are no statistics available on how a multiple birth can affect a relationship.
“We have launched a major survey on relationship breakdown after a multiple birth. We are doing this as we have not been able to find any other proper research into the link between relationship breakdown and multiple births and also because of the weight of anecdotal evidence we have,” says Helen.
“But from a membership survey we did a couple of years ago the strain on the couple’s relationship came out above financial pressures as the number one area of life to have been affected by having multiples.
“The factors causing the strain on a relationship are the compounding effects of lack of sleep, lack of time for each other, in most cases lack of money, and in many cases lack of practical support as families these days don't necessarily live near each other.
For relationship expert Christine Northam, a team member at Relate, there’s little wonder that one child, let alone two or more arriving at the same time, can contribute to the demise of anything but the most rock solid of relationships.
“Looking after a multiple birth family can take almost military precision,” she says.
But it’s not all bad news.
Heidi Smith, aged 34, mum to Anwen and Bethany, aged three, is an NHS manager from Addlestone in Surrey. She split from her husband of nine years earlier this year.
She says: “I don’t feel my workload has changed as I did most of it anyway. I now have my life back - the bulk of it goes to the children, but I don’t have to consider his needs anymore. There is no arguing about whose turn it is to do the washing up as I know it is always my turn now. There’s less stress as I just get on with it.
“I have cried on a friend’s shoulder on occasion - though I am stubborn and don’t like to be beaten.
”Twins’ club has given the children the opportunity to develop their social skills and me a chance to talk with other twin mums.
“My family has been supportive - taking my ironing in the early days and helping with painting. My mother sometimes takes the girls down to the paper shop on a Saturday morning so I can have a relaxing shower without worrying which piece of furniture they are painting during my captivity in the shower cubicle!” Most of all, Heidi says her aim is to raise happy children.
She adds: “They may not always have the latest toy but they’ll never be short of love.”
Top tips on coping as a single parent to a multiple birth family by Heidi Smith and Catherine Sandy:
You
- Ask for help and gladly accept help that is offered
Take time to take care of yourself
Get good legal advice as early as possible. - Get out when you can - with or without the children
- Take every day, every event and every situation you have to deal with one a time if possible.
Don’t sweat the small stuff.
The children
- Enjoy them
- Laugh.
- Establish a routine
Money
- Budget, and stick to it
Shop online if possible
- Set up an accounting system and get as much as possible on direct debit.
* Tamba aims to provide high quality information and mutual support networks for families of twins, triplets and more, highlighting their unique needs to all involved in their care. Its services include Twinline (0800 138 0509) a confidential helpline for parent-to-parent support. Tamba’s lone parent group allows members to get in touch with each other. There are subsidised outings and holidays and good links have been established with other organisations that support lone parents with excellent access to a huge variety of information including on personal support, legal and benefit rights.
People who read this post also read: Click here for more inspirational families or here for more details of support available.
Thank you Linda
It all looks really great.......good on you
Take care
Cathy
Posted by: Cath Sandy | September 27, 2006 at 07:27 PM