THE following piece appears in this month's Press Gazette, but isn't online.
I'm posting it here, as well as on my blog for freelance writers, in the hope of further raising awareness that mental illness doesn't have to be 'dirty little secret' - even if when you are in the midst of it, the last thing in the world you'd ever want to do is tell people!
As someone who is fully recovered, I hope my experience and the advice offered here by freelance journalist colleagues, the NUJ and charities, may help others suffering the effects of a mental illness.
I'd welcome any comments at the end of the post, especially from others with similar experiences. Again, I hope this could help show those going through a tough time that they are not alone.
AS I sat on my bed at 3am, sobbing and contemplating throwing myself through the window, I knew I had to seek medical help.
Despite thinking everyone would be better off without me, part of me was still rational enough to know I didn’t want to feel like this.
That day, in my work as a freelance journalist, I’d interviewed two women. One had lost one of her twins at birth; the other had been kidnapped at knifepoint.
Both began to cry on the phone. I started too and couldn’t stop.
The thought of letting down these women by not being able to tell their stories, not to mention the editors waiting for the copy, was too much to bear.
To my shame, I never went back and explained to those interviewees why their stories never saw the light of day. I lost contact with the editors too. I didn’t want to be remembered as the one who was nuts.
Like all journalists, I can thrive under pressure. I know it's part of what being a journalist is all about. But I was trying to do too much.
It brought back terrible memories of a doctor telling me I had ‘reactive depression’ years earlier. In a newsroom, I’d been told to ‘fuck off home’ as I was ‘obviously mental’. That was after taking time away to visit a brother seriously injured in an accident and returning with what my editor called ‘a face like a slapped arse.’
I raged inside and wondered if any other industries got away with treating employees like that. I never spoke up and quit instead.
Another former regional journalist, turned freelance, who has suffered with depression, Cath Janes, says there’s no doubt her work added to her illness.
She says: “It can be exhausting, pressurised and isolating.
“When I was a staffer I had a very serious bout of depression. I needed a few months off.
“Most people were sympathetic but one or two key figures didn't understand. I remember my editor describing my anti-depressants as tranquilisers, which made me sound bananas.
“I went into his office just before I was diagnosed to tell him that I couldn't cope any more. He and my line manager told me any problems were my own fault.
“I decided that the only way out was to end it all and I even cleared my desk so that no one would have to sort through my things when I didn't come to work on Monday. It was only my partner finding me in extreme distress that evening that saved me.”
Cath believes a stigma attached to mental health problems has decreased among journalists.
“It's still not easy though,” she says.
“You have to be ultra-reliable. If you admit to depression suddenly you don't seem reliable any more.”
For Ed Harrison, an ex deputy editor on a trade magazine, pressure at work led to what he now calls a ‘mini breakdown.’
He says: “My work hugely contributed to my illness. I was put under so much stress and had been mistreated for so long that it finally became too much for me.
“I had no control over the situation and ended up working until 10 most nights and every weekend. I was constantly undermined by my co-workers and the management style was chaotic.
“I stopped sleeping at night. It reached a head when I returned from work and found my editor had changed all the content and brought forward the press deadline, expecting me again to work the entire weekend. I got into a complete state, had a panic attack and had to be sent home in a taxi.”
Ed says that rather than being supportive, his employers viewed his behaviour as ‘skiving’.
“They didn’t understand that I was simply unable to work. I was hyperventilating and could hardly leave the house. The slightest thing would trigger a panic attack and I couldn't work properly for six months.
“In the end I resigned. None of my colleagues sent me a card or anything. They clearly had no concept that I was really quite ill.”
Philip Marsh is a magazine reporter who says he has suffered a total collapse of confidence, due to the current gloomy outlook for journalists.
Philip, who has recently been diagnosed with depression, says he has a “crushing inability” to work and has feelings of desperation and loneliness when readers comment negatively on his work.
“I'm concerned about the future of journalism, not because for personal reasons, but simply because it appears to be of little value in today's world. In order to feel positive about it I would need to see newspapers and magazines prospering. I don't see that.”
The experiences recounted here are the tip of the iceberg.
In its campaign to reduce stress at work, The NUJ quotes research from 2002 which found around five million UK workers experience stress and half a million believe it makes them ill.
With more than 1,000 journalists losing their job since June 2008 to April 2009, NUJ equalities officer Lena Calvert says colleagues left behind are inevitably put under more pressure.
“They have to cover all the duties of their colleagues who have been made redundant.
“It's not just excessive work loads and working very long hours that cause this stress but it's also the feeling of loss of control and the inability to do a job well,” she says.
“Many journalists don't realise that they are ill because of stress. Often journalists will blame themselves for not being able to cope and this makes matters worse. The profession has an image of the "intrepid reporter" and it is often difficult for a journalist to accept that the lack of staff, resources and employer attitudes is the problem rather than their own wrongly perceived inadequacies.”
Despite this, Lena says it’s difficult to advise people suffering from mental health issues about speaking up.
“Someone who is already stressed or depressed will find it hard to accept that they will need to alert their employer and ask for supportive measures - as they will fear that declaring their vulnerability could, in many cases, make them a target.
“As a union we have used health and safety legislation, particularly the HSE stress analytical tool, to negotiate on behalf of members who have been dealing with unacceptable levels of stress leading to mental health conditions.
“We've also referred employers to the fact that mental health is now covered by the Disability Discrimination Act and negotiated disability leave and counselling for members, along with other simple measures that have a good effect, such as flexible working or shorter hours.“
Former Morning Star journalist Paul Corry is now policy director at Rethink, a charity campaigning for a better quality of life for those affected by mental illness.
“When I worked as a journalist, 10 years ago, the culture was very macho and you were judged as much by how much you could drink in the pubs along Fleet Street as by the strength of your story,” he says.
“It’s clear now that a lot of the drinking was self-medication to stave off the fear that your sources would dry up and you would find your by-line disappear to a rival. Today, journalists are expected to multi-task and perform to a 24-hour agenda in a way we never were.
“Too many still see mental health problems as malingering or a personal failing. A growing number are recognising that they have to do something about it.”
Cath Janes has some straightforward advice for anyone feeling under pressure who fears they may be suffering from depression.
“Be true to yourself. If you have depression there is nothing you can do but focus on getting better. Don't ignore the signs, and don't put up with anyone bullying you. For God's sake, leave. No job is worth destroying your health over.”
NUJ: Putting an end to stress at work campaign.
Rethink:
National Advice Service on 0845 456 0455
* I'm the director of Midlands agency Passionate Media and a media advisor to Mental Health Media, one of the charities, along with Rethink, which is backing the Time to Change Initiative.
Time to Change, a four year campaign to end mental health discrimination.
* Some names have been changed.
Thanks for sharing this, Linda!
Posted by: Becky | May 20, 2009 at 12:41 AM
People are not robots or machines. I think working moms who are on duty at work and at home have experienced a lot of the pressure highlighted in this article. I think ultimately people have to stand together to prevent abuse of individuals. As an individual you have to be prepared to stand up for your rights even if it makes you unpopular.
Posted by: Momcat | May 20, 2009 at 08:31 AM
Hi both and thanks. Momcat I have no fear of something like this making me unpopular and hope my story which is also published elsewhere can help others know there is light at the end of the tunnel. x
Posted by: Linda | May 20, 2009 at 08:41 AM
after my fourth child i suffered post natal deppression and at that time I was attending an employment tribunal as the claimant for pregnancy discrimination.the employment business I was claiming won their case,they ended my contract saying I acted vixatiously,lied amongst other things anyway my point is this is an organisation that deals with mental health everyday and they failed to see that I was displying signs of mental health which was worsened by the environment
Posted by: chrissy | July 29, 2009 at 11:54 AM
Well, well, well. I thought I was a lone loony ex hack. Looking back over thirty years in the business three things spring to mind. Getting pissed; binge eating and bullying newsdesks. Oh, and I still have nightmares about missing the train to work and filing copy only to have no where to submit my work because I was made redundo from Today in 1995.
At the time I was desolate. I freelanced for ten years then took a job on a local free newspaper. The two years I spent on the Leamington Observer was great. Not too much pressure, writing stories about the community in which I lived and cared about and being surrounded by young ambitious reproters and a supportive editor, Ian Hughes.
Then my body buckled under the pressure sustained working and boozing in Fleet Street.
I had to have four discs rebuilt in my neck, a disc decompression in my lower back and, three years on, am under supervision from the pain management clinic at University Hospital, Coventry.
I am 56 and will probably never work again. In some ways I'm relieved to be let off the hook. Ironically, I crave the excitement and cameraderie, not to mention the rip-roaringly funny times spent with other journos.
Now this sounds like a self pitying winge and in some ways it is because many of my former colleagues have gone from strength to strength. And good luck to them.
I always wanted to be a writer of some description and reporting was the obvious choice. First job, The Rugby Advertiser, June 1980. Learnt how to door step, cover court and council, all the elements of the trade. The joy of seeing ones first by-line, the letters of complaint, the mistakes, lunchtime boozing, bashing out copy on dust crusted typewriters (fag in mouth). Proficiency Certificate.
First shift on The Sun five years later. Then the staff job on Today followed by The People, The Daily Mirror and back to Today after Richard Stott took the chair, having been sacked from The Mirror.
It was like being in a circus complete with lions, tigers and clowns like me.
Would I change it? No. Just wish the consequences hadn't been so damaging.
A typical case of 'be careful what you wish for'. However, knowing I'm not the only one who sits at home mulling over the past and wondering why I wasn't tough enough to survive, is comforting. Ta.
Posted by: pauline wallin | February 12, 2010 at 11:53 AM