A boy and a girl? Please just let them live...

ELEVEN years on, the moment I was told I had lost my babies remains a heart wrenching memory.

April Fool’s Day 1998 was one hell of a day. Just 24 hours after a home pregnancy test revealed I was expecting, I was having a scan to find out if I had an ectopic pregnancy. I had gone to my GP to get the pregnancy confirmed but instead she sent me to hospital to discover more about stomach pains.

Thankfully the pregnancy was not ectopic, and the resulting scan showed not one but two tiny heartbeats. At that moment, I was ecstatic. Little did I know that just seven days later I would be having another scan, in more sombre circumstances.

That weekend my partner Neil and I sat down for a serious talk. There was no question of us not keeping the babies but money was tight. How on earth were we going to manage? We weren't even living together. We had twins on the way. Whoah.

Lying down after the tough discussion, I felt a strange sensation and realised I was bleeding heavily. This was it, I thought, I was miscarrying. I screamed like I had never screamed before. Beside himself with worry, Neil came running and gently led me to his car before driving like a maniac to the hospital.

I was whisked from A&E to a ward to be examined by a doctor. I remember being struck by how kind she was. She gently quizzed me on what the 'loss' had looked like.

She told me I had 'passed the pregnancy' and gave me a leaflet about a support group for women who miscarry. Back on the ward, Neil curled up on the bed with me until he had to leave. I handed him my scan pictures from the week before showing the tiny dots inside me. "Get rid of these, " I snapped. I could not bear to see them again.

My mum came to see me as soon as she could the next morning. What she told me amid our hugs  was life-changing. And there was me thinking the biggest shock was going to be hers. This was the first she knew of me being pregnant.

Sitting on my hospital bed, she revealed I could have had a twin brother or sister. She too was told early on in her pregnancy that she had lost her "baby". (Things were different then - no early scans to detect a multiple birth...) History was repeating itself.

My mum's 'least said, soonest mended' upbringing meant she'd carried this with her but never told me until confronted with it happening to her daughter.

It must have been just too difficult for her.

An emotional rollercoaster

The following morning I was due for another scan. It now actually showed a single heartbeat . The doctor had been wrong.

I did not know how to react.I was sent home and booked in for another scan the following week. I felt like I was in limbo. I spent the days fretting that the surviving heartbeat would have been snuffed out by the time I went back. I was inconsolable. Our babies were not planned but they would be very, very loved - both of them. Now I only had one.

But when I went back to the hospital a week later the scan showed not one but two heartbeats again. I went into shock. My legs went from under me. I had to be taken out of the room in a wheelchair, crying tears of bewilderment and joy. Going from the 'bolt from the blue' news that I was expecting two babies to none to one and back to two again in the space of a couple of weeks was an emotional rollercoaster.

Let alone taking in what my mum had told me.

Every now and again, I used to wail "I'm scared". When Neil asked me why, I'd say: "Because I'm going to have two babies, waaaaah!"

Looking back, apart from those infrequent emotional outbursts, I think I stayed pretty outwardly calm, despite my inner turmoil.

Why else was I scared?

Twin and triplet pregnancies can obviously be more difficult than just carrying the one baby, anyway. This made me more anxious.

Not all complications of single pregnancies occur more frequently with an expected multiple birth but the possibility is there. And in my case, when I went to antenatal, first on my own two feet, then with the aid of a stick, then crutches and then a wheelchair, the other mums' jaws dropped to the floor.

I couldn't move because of how the babies were lying.

For mums of twins and more, antenatal care will mean more ultrasound screening, tests and investigations and more appointments. It should also include social support and advice, to plan for the extra load before, during and after delivery.

In the early days you may be more sick because of the higher concentration of hormone being produced from the placenta and as time goes on it is very important to take plenty of rest. An increased size of the womb can also lead to greater pressure on the veins in the legs. Problems such as piles can also be more common.

There is an increased risk of congenital abnormalities and because of this, a very thorough ultrasound scan will be given at around 20-24 weeks.

In the weeks leading up to the birth, there will also be a greater degree of monitoring with scans every two weeks.

Mums to be should also expect anetenatal screenings to be very thorough as multiple pregnancies can lead to more problems with high blood pressure and associated problems like eclampsia.

The importance of rest can also be more pressing with a multiple birth pregnancy.

There is an increased risk of premature birth, - most twins are born at 37 weeks. Labour starts early in 20–50% of twin pregnancies compared with 5–10% in singleton pregnancies.

My thoughts on being told the sex of my babies

These 'increased risks' were a lot to take in. While I may have lay in bed at night sometimes wondering if I was carrying a boy and a girl or two of each, I didn't give much thought to if I should be told. Our local hospital has a policy of not telling and that was fine with me.

I couldn't – and didn't – relax until Emily and Melissa were born at 34 weeks, weighing a healthy 5lb 3oz and 5lb 10oz respectively. I will never find out what exactly happened on the night I was told I’d miscarried. But the sense of loss I felt as I lay weeping in that hospital bed will stay with me forever.

That's why my answer, like Emily from Maternal Tales, to the question: "Did you want to find out the sex of your baby?" (Well babies in my case...) is I was too busy praying for them to be okay.

Threatened miscarriage: the facts

According to the Miscarriage Association, threatened miscarriage is simply the name given to unexplained bleeding in early pregnancy.

It is very common and about half of these pregnancies continue normally. It can happen any time in the first 24 weeks, with the first 12 weeks being the most common. There are no figures available on how often it happens.

But 'unexplained bleeding' doesn't go anywhere near understanding what happened to me. Time has passed but my mum's words have stayed with me. I sometimes wonder "what might have been" if my own twin brother or sister had survived.

And having been told more than once that I may have been expecting triplets, I sometimes reflect on another "what might have been" too.

* This post has been compiled to feature on a Mother's Secrets, a new site from Peggy at Perfectly Happy Mum. It was suggested by OMG We're Pregnant. 

An emotional rollercoaster

In the early days you may be more sick because of the higher concentration of hormone being produced from the placenta and as time goes on it is very important to take plenty of rest. An increased size of the womb can also lead to greater pressure on the veins in the legs. Problems such as piles can also be more common.

There is an increased risk of congenital abnormalities and because of this, a very thorough ultrasound scan will be given at around 20-24 weeks.

In the weeks leading up to the birth, there will also be a greater degree of monitoring with scans every two weeks.

Mums to be should also expect anetenatal screenings to be very thorough as multiple pregnancies can lead to more problems with high blood pressure and associated problems like eclampsia.

The importance of rest can also be more pressing with a multiple birth pregnancy.

There is an increased risk of premature birth, - most twins are born at 37 weeks. Labour starts early in 20–50% of twin pregnancies compared with 5–10% in singleton pregnancies.

My thoughts on being told the sex of my babies

These 'increased risks' were a lot to take in. While I may have lay in bed at night sometimes wondering if I was carrying a boy and a girl or two of each, I didn't give much thought to if I should be told. Our local hospital has a policy of not telling and that was fine with me.

I couldn't – and didn't – relax until Emily and Melissa were born at 34 weeks, weighing a healthy 5lb 3oz and 5lb 10oz respectively. I will never find out what exactly happened on the night I was told I’d miscarried. But the sense of loss I felt as I lay weeping in that hospital bed will stay with me forever.

Comments

[Maternal Tales]

Oh Linda - what a beautifully written piece. I'm so pleased there was a happy ending for you all. Pregnancy is just the scariest time...even more so when you're carrying more than one baby! Not sure I could go through it all over again! Think I'll stick with my two.. xxx

[Sarah]

Just fantastic Linda, a brilliant piece of writing xx

[TwinHappyJen]

Wow, what an amazing story! I'm so sorry for the pain you felt when you thought you had lost them, but I"m so happy that, in the end, your twins were born healthy and alive!!

[Angel Bluestocking]

Hi Linda.

I came to your blog from Exmoor Jane. And I congratulate you for writing this so that others might see.

I threatened miscarriage with my eldest son and they later found he has probably been one of twins.

Years later, when I was pregnant with my 3rd child, I threatened miscarriage again and discovered I was expecting twins(I may have been carrying three initially!) I will confess I was horrified at the prospect of twins - it was a tough time for hubby and I. At approx 16 weeks one died. By 18 weeks they had both died however I was made to carry both for a further two weeks to make sure that there was no further growth (something to do with Royal College guidelines.) They were then removed.

It took me a long time to see that it wasn't 'God paying me back' for wishing for only one baby. And hindsight being the wonderful thing that it is showed me that it was all 'meant to be.' I don't feel guilty or sad any longer, even though I still wonder what might have been.
I am very happy that everything turned out well for you in the end appreciating some of what you will have gone through.

Warm wishes

[Whistlejacket]

What a rollercoaster of emotions you went through! And to go through all that and for everything to be okay is wonderful. I don't envy anyone expecting twins (or triplets) as I've heard the pregnancies can be very complicated. I've suffered two miscarriages and fully understand that you don't care whether your baby's a boy or a girl, you just want them to be okay.

[Siobhan]

Thank you for sharing this with us, pregnancy can be such an emotional rollercoaster; nothing comes close to the feeling a mother experiences when she's been told that she has lost her baby. I'm so glad that you got your happy ending, I can't imagine how unbelievable that news must have been to be told that you were still having your twins after you'd been told they were gone.

I've been through 4 losses myself, the last at 16 weeks, so I was absolutely terrified after finding out I was pregnant again, though completely overjoyed to find out it was twins. I can honestly say after everything I didn't go through the whole twinshock thing, I just felt so lucky to be having two babies. I had a bleed at 7 weeks, and I'd convinced myself that it was all happening again, but thankfully they decided to stick in there! At 32 weeks now, I've had a far from easy pregnancy; hyperemesis for 20 odd weeks, hospitalization and bed rest on several ocassions and an 'irritable uterus', but I can honestly say I'd go through it all again, and more just to have these two little boys. Only 4 and a half weeks to go, will be so relieved when they're finally here!

[A Modern Mother]

I'm so glad everything worked out.

[Insomniac Mummy]

Another moving post.

Bleeding in pregnancy is frightening beyond belief. I've had 3 miscariiages and spent everyday of both my successful pregnancies worrying.

Thanks for sharing.

x

[Ellen]

That brings back the terrifying gut wrenching feelings I had when I was bleeding in my second pregnancy. You spend the rest of your pregnancy thankful for another chance and praying that the baby is OK.

Like you I never found out why I bleed several times during my pregnancy and had to wait a couple of weeks for a scan to tell me if I had lost the baby or not. Thank you for sharing this. x

[Catherine]

OMG, Linda, you have been through the fire. This story is amazing, and how strong you are to go through it and then share it with others.

[Linda]

Hi Emily, thank you. I certainly couldn't go through it again, actually having them was much easier. Sadly my experience has meant I have never understood women who say they love being pregnant!

Angel Bluestocking - thank you for finding my blog and responding to what I have written so thoughtfully. What I left our of this post were my feelings of despair at having 'lost' my two and thinking that this was connected with earlier stuff I had done. I am so sorry to read of all you have been through and admire you v much for your outlook. Much love to you. x

Hi Whistlejacket - thank you for commenting. I am really sorry to hear you have been through two miscarriages and wish you lots of love and luck with your family!

Hi Siobhan, I can't come close to imagining what you have been through, and yes I understand what you mean about feeling so very lucky and blessed to be expecting two at the same time. I hope you are feeling okay - they will be here before you know it - I hope you aren't having to guzzle as much Gaviscon as I did!

Hi Modern Mother - thank you.

Hi Imsoniac Mummy - oh you too? I am so very touched and humbled that mums who did not have my happy ending have taken the time to comment here and share theirt stories too. Sending you lots of 'cyber hugs' - if that doesn't sound too bonkers!

Ellen - thank you - 'bleeding' sounds almost trivial doesn't it? The reality is far from it.

[Tracey Davies]

Crikey, what a rollercoaster of emotions you must have been through, Linda. I can't imagine what you went through over those first couple of weeks. As you know, I too have twins and went through all the constant monitoring, scans etc. and quite thankfully too as I had TTTS (twin to twin transfusion syndrome) which meant the girls were born 9 weeks premature, which has in turn bought its own problems.
Being pregnant with twins is a blessing, but it is also brings a whirlwind of worries and emotions with it.
Great article, Linda.

[DanM]

Moving. Joyful. Amazing. Made my Monday, Linda. Thank you.

[SingleParentDad]

Wow Joner.

They certainly had you on your toes, or arse in this case, from day one.

My wife and I suffered a miscarriage prior to Max, and it was a truly horrific thing. Something I had never really given the proper gravitas when it had happened to others. But one positve thing it did do, was make me feel like, and really want to be, a dad.

[notSupermum]

Linda, you bugger! I had put off reading this because I had to be in the right frame of mind to read about it, only to find it turned out OK (Thank god). My heart was in my mouth reading it though - brilliant post!

[English Mum]

Hey Linda. What a lovely post, I love your writing.

Hubby and I lost a baby in between our two boys - I always hold a little secret place in my heart for that baby and wonder if it might have been our little girl. I wrote about it here: http://englishmum.com/2008/08/24/the-one-that-never-was/

Thanks for sharing, it's a subject that needs much more 'airtime'. Big hugs xx

[Littlemummy]

Thanks for sharing Linda, as you know I've had my fair share of disappointment this year it's refreshing for someone to speak honestly instead of brushing these things under the carpet.

[Linda]

Hi Tracey - really sorry to hear you had TTTS - and delighted to see you all made it, okay!

Hi Ian, goodness me - I didn't know you had been through that, how is Max doing by the way, has he got himself some lovely new mates from school yet? (Am thinking girlfriends...)

Thanks notSupermum - think I may have gone on a bit!

Becky I never knew that, I will be over at yours in a bit reading your post, thank you so much for your kind words.

Erica, thank you. That is much appreciated, knowing some of what you have been through. How is the vodka suppy coming along?

[exmoorjane]

Oh my God, Linda, have read this with my heart in my mouth....rollercoaster is putting it mildly. I can't even begin to imagine the tsunami of emotions that must have been buffeting you.
And to find out that you are also a twin (because you are, even if your twin did not survive). A book I helped the author write (Touched by Evil by Michele Knight) dealt with this subject in part.
My heart goes out to you, even all these years later.
This is very lovely writing, straight from the heart with no holds barred. I love women who write about the truth and often torment of pregnancy (as well as the highs) - it is brave and honest and exceedingly helpful.
Janexx

[cartside]

Thanks for sharing this. It must have been such a difficult time, full of all kinds of emotions. I can't believe that something like this can actually happen, a total mystery. Just glad it turned out ok for you!

[SandyCalico]

Wow, I'm so glad you got your lovely girls after all that heartache. Reading all of these beautifully written posts about pregnancy really reminds me of all the worry. Pregnancy isn't all chocolates and decorating the nursery. We had scares, of a different kind, with both babies. It's difficult to enjoy being pregnant when there are so many unknowns. I think I'm sticking with my two perfect babies!
There's an award for you at mine x
http://sandycalico.blogspot.com/2009/09/you-are-great-read-that.html

[Dulwich Divorcee]

What a journey you and your girls have been on! A brilliant and moving post and, as always, your honesty is amazing. Pregnancy is still such a mysterious time, it all seems so much in the lap of the gods and we have no idea why some babies leave us and some stick it out. Thank God yours are fighters - taking after their wonderful mum! Lots of love xx

[Lulu Campbell]

What an incredible story - I cannot begin to imagine what it must have been like for you - really scary. Lx

[Linda]

Hi Jane - thank you for picking up on the 'twin thing' - I do still have moments where I wonder about this. Your book sounds really interesting. Is it one I can buy in Tesco?

Hi Cartside - thank you so much for commenting and your kind words - yes all a total mystery but not that uncommon - we don't tend to talk about these things so much, do we? Or perhaps we do more nowadays.

Thanks DD, you are too kind of course. Have been up half the night with one of the 'fighters' - said she was scared of a peg. WTF etc. xx

[Linda]

Hello L, why thank you - all okay in the end though - how's it hanging?

[Brit In Bosnia]

I can't imagine how frightening and upsetting it must have been. I'm so relieved that it was all ok for you in the end, but am also thinking of how awful it must be for so many others for whom a happy ending is not forthcoming. Big hugs to you. x

[Linda]

Hi BiB - thank you, yes me too - the comments that have followed and subsequent posts I have read have been enormously moving and thought provoking.

[clareybabble]

I can't imagine what you must have went through. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm glad your girls were ok in the end :D xx