Three years ago I crumbled...why my daughters' birthday is a triple celebration

I SOBBED in front of the doctor.

She gently asked me when I began to feel so desperate and I told her it was on my daughters' birthday.

Admitting that such a supposedly joyous day should cause me pain, was hard. I felt guilty.

Why shouldn't I just shut up and get on with it like everyone else?

But as I sat on my bed at 3am,crying and contemplating throwing myself through the window, I knew I had to seek medical help.

Despite thinking everyone would be better off without me, part of me was still rational enough to know I didn’t want to feel like this.

My daughters' birthday was the last straw because here I was again, organising a party, doing the food, booking cinema tickets, sorting invitations and anticipating the arrival of a gaggle of eight to nine-year-olds for a sleepover.

What was I thinking?

I was taking too much on. Alongside the day to day tasks of work and family, for me, at this time, it was too much. It was the same every Christmas.

But would I admit it?

Would I hell.

Until I saw the doctor.

The day before, in my work as a freelance journalist, I’d interviewed two women. One had lost one of her twins at birth; the other had been kidnapped at knifepoint.

Both began to cry on the phone. I started too and couldn’t stop.

The thought of letting down these women by not being able to tell their stories, not to mention the editors waiting for the copy, was too much to bear.

To my shame, I never went back and explained to those interviewees why their stories never saw the light of day. I lost contact with the editors too. I didn’t want to be remembered as the one who was nuts.

Like all journalists, I can thrive under pressure. I know it's part of what being a journalist is all about but it also brought back terrible memories of a doctor telling me I had ‘reactive depression’ years earlier.

In a newsroom, I’d been told to ‘fuck off home’ as I was ‘obviously mental’. That was after taking time away to visit a brother seriously injured in an accident and returning with what my editor called ‘a face like a slapped arse.’

I raged inside and wondered if any other industries got away with treating employees like that. I never spoke up and quit instead.

This time, with more than me to think about, I knew I had to get better and quick.

With the doctor's help I did. I was prescribed anti-depressants. I took them for three months and remembered what it was like to be me again.

And thank God I did.

As my family approaches our beloved girls' birthday, I think I am safe to say I am glad I never jumped out of that window. And ever since, I have spoken up to get more support and help when these family milestones approach.

That year, I fell asleep in the cinema. I had no energy. Last year, as we enjoyed a day in Blackpool in the rain, there was no stopping me and this year, well this year we are all set for quite an adventure.

I hope my simplistic tale of recovery from depression may help someone somewhere.

Thank you.

NUJ: Putting an end to stress at work campaign.

Rethink:

National Advice Service on 0845 456 0455

Time to Change, a four year campaign to end mental health discrimination.

 

Comments

[karen]

I knew you were a star when I met you at the conf, thank you for sharing that. I think more of us need to get honest about these feelings. I can't see properly as I type, there are too many tears xx

[Insomniac Mummy]

Thank goodness you managed to come through the other side.

I've suffered with clinical and postnatal depression. Had various medications but have always only taken it for a short space of time. This time 2 years ago I was afraid to even leave the house because of panic attacks.

Most of my family are unaware. I am the 'strong' one you see. The one that takes what the world throws at her and gets on with it. The one who people rely on.

Once again, thank you for your honesty and sharing something so personal.

x

[Linda]

Hi Karen and InsomniacMummy,

Karen, thank you so much for your kind words, they are really appreciated.

IS, thank you for sharing your experience, that is what I was hoping for when I posted this. I really don't mind including my experience here as I consider I am writing from a "position of strenght" as someone who is loved and happy and busy. If anyone wants to think the worse of me because of an illness I have suffered then you can imagine what I would like to say to them!

[TheMadHouse]

What a wonderful peice. It is very hard to admit that you have or have had depression. I too am a sufferer and work were not in the slightest bit helpfeul, infact they washed their hands of me!! I am one of the lucky ones though - I received fantastic treatment through my local Mental Health Team, GP and Macmillan too. It did take a lot to admit it to myself and MadDad, but once I did things started moving. In fact I still receive councelling from a wonderful lady based at The Tees Valley Councelling trust a speicalist charity which deal with long term illness and disfigurement. Not as regularly as previously, but she really helps me.

[Whistlejacket]

Very brave to write this, it's not something many of us want to admit to or talk about. Especially as mums we want to show we're strong and can take what life throws at us. I suffered from PND after my first child. My Mum suffered a breakdown 12 years ago when her demanding career and failing marriage took its toll. It was heartbreaking to experience because I felt so helpless, but she did pull through. She knows now she should have sought help earlier, as should I have done with the PND. But it's so, so hard to admit something's wrong at the time. I'm glad you got through it and from the sounds of things learnt how to manage life in a way more sympathetic to your needs.

[Liz via Britishmummybloggers.co.uk]

Oh Linda, you poor love. This is such a poignant reminder of how mental health problems can affect anyone. I am close to someone who has had mental health issues in the past and I know that with the right amount of help and support they can come through the other side.

Real life journalism can be extremely hard to cope with, too. Some of the stories you're told are so bleak they never leave your mind.

And here's to freeing ourselves from the tyranny of vicious bosses - like the woman who demanded to know why there was a spelling mistake in a piece of copy shortly after my son (then six) had been hospitalised for four days after suffering a major asthma attack. She knows who she is.

[Linda]

Hi, TMH - thank you for sharing your experience so frankly. The big C raised its head in our family and was dealt with. I don't mind admitting this was very, very hard for us and with a young family and other stuff going on, these were dark days indeed. Good luck to you and stay strong - another cliche, sorry. I know that counselling can help so it's good to read a positive experience straight from the person being helped. I know it can also be mocked and/or dismissed depending on how it goes. I had one appointment and never went back.

WJ - thanks and interesting that you pick up on a family connection. We have had a few ups and downs I can tell you. Thank you for adding to my story of getting better. I have written about PND on this blog and hope that stories like yours can help others. I know they do.

Liz, thank you.
Hi Liz - thank you. Do you know what someone has already been in touch with me to say this piece has helped them so I am over the moon. I have been working as an advisor to a mental health charity advising on media coverage and believe strongly that it is only by speaking up that people can see who the "one in four" suffering are. I still have weekends now and again where I just want to draw the curtains and not get up but they soon pass and I have so much to be thankful for. I dread to think what life would have been like if I had continued to put up with the hassle of working at that level in the media.

I would like to reiterate though that I don't consider myself "brave" for talking about this - am very happy to.

Thanks again.

[Anonymous]

Thank you, you have helped me.

[Maternal Tales]

Oh Linda - you poor, poor thing. I'm so pleased (as I'm sure all your family is) that you managed to find help. Both my Mother and my Uncle (and quite a few other friends) have suffered terrible depression. Unfortunately, my Uncle did throw himself out of the window...and apart from being severely depressed I think the reason it happened was because he didn't have any family (ie wife and children) to turn to. And he convinced himself that he was ok. My Mother has spent a lot of time in hospital and still takes lithium today, but she has a strong close family who love and care about her. Well done for staying strong. We're all here for you if you ever feel down again...and thanks so much for sharing xx

[Linda]

Thanks Emily. I really am fine and okay and dandy and happy to speak up about my experience of three years ago. I think it's terrible that such a stigma and taboo still surrounds this type of illness. I can understand how difficult it is for those caring for a loved one, much love to you and yours. xx

Thanks also to those who have got in touch with me confidentially and I hope you can recover as I can. It's great for me to see so quickly that what I wrote can help.

[SandyCalico]

Dear Linda, I laughed out loud, reading your previous post, over the running a broken wrist under the tap. Now I'm crying reading this. One in four doesn't sound high enough to me. We all need help from time to time and I'm glad you got help x

[Peggy@ Perfectly Happy Mum]

Only a very brave and strong person can talk about this sort of episode in their life the way you did in that post.
Thank you for sharing, I am sure it will helps lots of people make the decision to ask for help if they need it. Pxx

[Linda]

Thanks again for comments on this - really don't consider it brave as am writing from a position of strength as a happy, loved and busy mum...x

[Rosie Scribble]

Oh Darling Linda, I am hoping this comment will be hidden away in the depths of your blog and remain unread by the majority. You did absolutely the right thing to get help, but you know that don't you. I saw that window too but didn't do the sensible thing, as you did, and I have to live with the physical consequences of that every day. Now I speak up when I'm tired and exhausted and my life is better for it. You are a highly creative person, that might be why you experience depression, they say the two go together. Rest, relax and focus on the things in life that really matter right now. Put the rest aside and think about it when you are feeling more positive. Concentare on you and those that really matter to you, forget the rest. You know why I'm saying all this. Life becomes very difficult when we are exhausted and stressed and when we've been travelling and routines get out of sync. So rest and regroup and spend time with those who really matter. And now I'm crying. Take care x