Children and bereavement: Families share experiences and advice

Photo by D Sharon Pruitt on Flickr

LIKE millions of others, I watched Children in Need through a mist of tears as two young sisters told an interviewer how much they loved their Daddy, before a caption revealed he'd since died.

I recently worked on a project involving research on how to help bereaved children. As it's not online, I thought I would rewrite and edit it, as well as adding in some bloggers' wisdom. I've pulled together posts that touch on this most delicate of subjects. I hope this may be useful to someone out there sometime.

Carrying grief with you

Of course, just like adults, no two children are the same when it comes to how they handle  bereavement. Just like grown-ups, they will always want to remember a beloved person who has died fondly and to carry their memory in their heart.

I discovered that experts - and by that I mean bereaved people, will tell you that you don't 'get over' grief, you carry it with you and learn to live with it, day by day.

And while for adults and children alike that acceptance takes time, for children it also takes longer to understand what has happened.

Their understanding, reaction and on-going grief will also be further influenced by their age.

Joanne Mallon from Parentdish wrote this excellent post about how to talk to your children about death after Michael Jackson died. It's a great starting point and I'd strongly agree that Michael Rosen's Sad Book is a must-read for any child who has lost someone dear.

Stories of loss

Photo bigstockphoto.com

Joanne's own brother died when she was nine.

I asked her how she remembered him.

She said: "My son's middle name is Jonathan. He looks very like him, but we have to remember that Isaac is his own person. I often talk to my children about Jonathan, what he was like - partly to remember him and also to give them some insight into disability.

"They talk about him - and their other relatives who've died - as angels, all together. My daughter writes little letters and prayers to him and we have a photo of me and Jonathan in the living room. I only go to his grave very rarely - his grave is in a cemetery in Belfast (right next to those of the IRA hunger strikers). I find graves very depressing. "

Karin, whose dad died when she was nine, said: "For children,  death is understood in terms of what it means to them, so if someone they love has died, it means they won’t see that person again and that makes them sad.

"It’s what made me cry when mum broke the news, and when I cried over the next few weeks and months it was always accompanied by the phrase ‘I miss Daddy’.

“I don’t think children are scared by death at all, certainly not in my experience.

"In fact I’m still not scared by death and I think that’s because it’s been openly talked about and experienced in my family – my mum’s sister died within a year of my dad, and my dad’s father too.

“We can forget how literal children are. As adults we understand implied meaning, but children may not always –

"Daddy’s gone away is a really unhelpful way of saying ‘Daddy’s dead’.

“I always joked that the highlights of not having a dad was that I never had to run my boyfriends past him, but in truth I so desperately wish I had had a dad."

 

Photo by lepiaf.geo on Flickr

A Mum Shaped Hole

You may know my lovely friend Laura from her blog Are We nearly There Yet Mummy.

But have you ever read what she calls her 'more serious' blog, A Mum Shaped Hole?

She says: “My mum died when I was nine, this is me trying to make sense of that. I am now 30 and I still struggle without her. The only way I can describe it is like having A Mum Shaped Hole in my life.”

Here’s an extract from a post, about how Laura's mum would treasure her grandchildren.

Would she think they look like me?

Would she admire my handsome boy all snails, scooters and bold adventure?

Would she smile at my beautiful girl all bossy and hands on hips smelling of apples and willful charm?

Would her heart melt when they called her name?

Would she be my shoulder to cry on when life is tough?

Would we laugh so hard that tears would fall?

I wish they had known her, and I for longer

I wish she was here

I miss my mum.

Laura told me: "I feel regret that my grief has affected my life in so many ways. Immediately afterwards was strange. Although she had been ill for two years I had no idea she was going to die. Although, subconsciously, maybe I did - as I remember being told off for humming the Funeral March one day.

"From my dad and sister's point of view it was a huge relief that Mum's suffering had ended. I come from a family where we laugh a lot and don't really discuss feelings openly and I think although I was encouraged to grieve, I was also encouraged to think about the good times.

"I now realise that I use humour as a coping mechanism and don't face things properly. The family motto is 'laugh in the face of adversity'!

"Even growing up I can remember getting cold sweats if the subject of mums came up and would rather avoid the conversation than talk about it and have people feeling sorry for me.

"It's only now that I can openly discuss my Mum and rather than feel embarrassed, feel proud of her.

"I became very clingy towards my dad and just wanted to be with him all the time.

"Since having my own children,  my relationship with my grief has changed. Because I didn't have many memories of my mum as a child I felt a bit detached from her.

"But when I had the children and experienced the love that she too must have felt I felt more of a connection.

"I had a long period where I felt so incredibly sad and I still feel panic sometimes when I think that one day something may happen to me and my children will be left without a mother. "

Insomniac Mummy also wrote hauntingly of the death of her mother, who died 28 years ago. To this day, she says, she doesn't know what happened to her ashes or if she has a memorial stone. Look at the comments too, to see not only how bloggers can rally round each other, but also how many stories of loss are yet to be shared. 

Photo by maessive on Flickr

Then, Insomniac Mummy wrote about her lovely Grandma who died recently.

Englishmum often remembers her friend C who died this year and how proud her daughter would now make her.

Single Parent Dad

Another blogger writing movingly about his own experience of grief and that of his adorable son Max, is  Ian at Single Parent Dad.

Ian's wife Samantha died suddenly in 2005, when Max was a baby. 

In a recent post about 'grief triggers' Ian says:

My boy understands why too, I do not like keeping things from him, he deserves the truth, however hard it is.

But last week was the first time it upset him.

I explained in the morning, what was ‘significant’ about the day, and while that was not a grief trigger for me, it certainly was for the boy.

While heartbreaking to witness, I was also immensely proud of my son. Proud because he had moved to such a level, gaining a better understanding of his loss, and able to show his emotion for it.

There was plenty of reassurance and cuddling, and we spoke about his mom, and how it was now. While she has physically gone, she will always be part of him, and gave him the best possible start in the world.

Is honesty the best policy when talking to children about bereavement?

Here’s what Cruse says:

In general, honesty is the best policy. However, there are also other considerations. When we talk to children about death we need to speak in language that they can understand. Also for some children we may let them know something about the death and share more information later when they are able to take it in.

“When we explain to a child about a death we may need to repeat what we say. We also need to be able to answer their questions.

"Also all family members need to be saying the same thing so the child does not become confused. It is also a good idea to let the child’s school know what you have said to the child.”

Bereavement counsellor Dodie Graves, from Wolverhampton's Compton Hospice, adds: “Because children can’t always express their emotions easily, understanding how they are dealing with grief can be difficult. It is common for children to want to be strong for their family, and it can be difficult for them to know who to turn to when they need support.

“Families’ bereavement support workers talk to children one-to- one, and with their families, to help them work together through their shared grief.

“They use puppets, games and art to help children express their feelings, and special memory jars and memory boxes to remember the person they’ve lost.

“They can also support families in learning how to communicate better together.”

Winston’s Wish (www.winstonswish.org.uk) has in-depth guidance for anyone wanting to help a bereaved child.

A gradual understanding

Parenting expert Sue Atkins stresses that it’s important to remember that children will not behave like adults.

It sounds obvious, but can be overlooked in these sad circumstances.

She says: “Children's understanding of death comes gradually.”

Sue's article on bereavement discusses how children of different ages may understand about death and grieve.

She says that from about nine years, most children will have an adult view of death, although this will depend on their development and maturity and their past experiences of death.

The best way of understanding what children think and feel about death is to listen carefully and to talk gently with them and be guided by them.

Many parents feel that childhood is a time free from difficulties and challenging events but in reality this just isn’t the case- but it’s how you handle the challenges that makes your children grow up well balanced, resilient and strong -able to handle the blows life deals them.

Sue adds: “It’s perfectly natural to cry in front of your children - if you explain what you are feeling."

What children going through loss need:

• Information

• Companionship

• Time to express their emotions

• Time to remember.

I’m very grateful to Sue for allowing me to use this information. She's a mum to two teenagers and a former deputy head teacher. She's also the author of Raising Happy Children for Dummies. Find out more at www.positive-parents.com

Where to find help:

Winston's Wish

Helpline: 0845 203 0405 (Mon-Fri 9-5pm)

Childhood Bereavement Network

Tel: 0115 911 8070

Child Bereavement Trust

Tel: 01494 446648 (General)

0845 357 1000 (Information/support line)

Cruse

Helpline: 0844 477 9400

Road for you – part of Cruse helping young people: www.rd4u.org.uk

Compassionate Friends

Helpline: 0845 123 2304

Books you may find helpful

*If you would like to share a story of bereavement or offer any advice to families facing the darkest of times, please do leave a comment and let us know any links to posts you think may be helpful.

Comments

[Liz (LivingwithKids)]

This is an incredibly moving and useful post, thank you to all the writers for sharing their experiences. Bereavement can have such an effect on the lives of those left behind. It has taken me more than 20 years to come to terms with the death of my father - I wasn't a child when he died, but the impact of his death had a devastating effect on one of my closest relatives. It's something I've touched on briefly in my blog and that I might write about someday.

[Linda]

Thanks Liz. I read and re-read this post before publishing it. I was worried about including platitudes and being overly simplistic. But I do think that by reading what other people have said about their expereinces, others can be helped. The bloggers listed are inspirational, whether they would like to think that or not.

[English Mum]

What a moving article, Linda. I'm humbled that you've added my small experience into the mix. I cried at the two little girls as well - weren't they brave? x

[Linda]

Hiya Becky, thank you. I thought they were amazing, along with all the people who work tirelessly as staff or volunteers to help families through the health service, hospices and other charities. x

[Rosie Scribble]

OMG I'm crying. This post is brilliant and will help so many people. Linda, you are an angel.

[Linda]

Rosie, thanks very much - nothing to do with me though, the power of those words! xx

[TheMadHouse]

Linda, this is a wonderful and really thought provoking post. I have tears in my eyes. We contacted Winstons Wish before I went into hospital in February and they were fantastic even though we are far away from their catchment area. I hope never to have to use any of the above, but thankyou

[Insomniac Mummy]

Could've sworn I commented earlier I'm losing it....

Thanks for including my posts.

If by putting together this information you can help just one person then it is worthwhile.

x

[Linda]

Hi TMH, thank you for commenting. Yes Winston's Wish do so much excellent work, their website also has such a huge amount of information that can help people, from how to help decide if a child should go to a funeral to how to make sure treasured memories are kept alive. I need to come over to your site and find your story. xx

Hi IM, no worries. It was very interesting to me not only how you could be so frank and compelling in what you wrote but also the way people reacted. On paper, some would say commenters are strangers but they can be so very supportive or tell you things you may not want to hear!

[Valerie]

If you are a parent with a terminal illness, pre-emptive grief can be difficult to handle. It is difficult to console a child when it's you that is the problem and you can't honestly say its going to be alright.
You see your child struggling at school because of emotional breakdowns and you worry you might blight their future by dying in the middle of their exams.
Lots of official "help" available but sometimes that is resented by child and becomes part of the problem.

[Linda]

Hi Valerie, thank you so much for commenting, that sounds a really important point to bear in mind and an incredibly difficult and complex situation to be in. I hope that the expert counsellors can work with children to break that resentment down. It is easy for me to write about this and include input from people who have different experiences but I cannot in all honesty begin to appreciate or understand what this would mean in real life. I am very grateful to you for commenting. Much love to you.

[Carola]

Linda ~ I just wanted to say thank you for a beautifully sensitive and well-written post. My utmost respect too goes to those who have contributed their experiences.

[Gigi Eligoloff]

Hi Linda,
One of our writers wrote about this very subject earlier in the year. Partly prompted by the very public profile of Jade Goody's doomed battle with cancer. Something that brought death into everyone's living room. Whether they liked it or not. This includes a book that they found particularly helpful too. Hope it's of interest x

http://www.mumsrock.com/articles/speed-parenting/rock-guides-to-life/lets-talk-about-death

[Linda]

Hi Carola, thank you, the bloggers whose experiences are included have popular, well-read blogs and while posts about bereavement may help them and others, they also celebrate a great deal and have lots to say on lots of things.

Hi Gigi, thanks for flagging up that link - that's a great piece.

[Chris]

There's another great charity that helped us, and that sent a 'Grief Relief Kit' for Harvey. They're called Grief Encounter (http://www.griefencounter.org.uk/) and are well worth a look. Also a good book is http://www.amazon.co.uk/Muddles-Puddles-Sunshine-Activity-Someone/dp/1869890582/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1258988344&sr=8-1
It's been 2 and a half years for Harvey now, and he's made me proud every single day. He's connecting to Jo through music too (she was a music teacher) and is writing songs about and for her.

[Linda]

Thank you Chris for taking the time to add those resources. Having a son who makes you proud every day - that's wonderful. xx

[Dee]

Linda, as someone who lost both of my parents within three months of each other when I was just six years of age, I applaud you on tackling this subject matter with care and compassion. I like how you have suggested that it is the bereaved themselves who are experts on bereavement, since nobody who hasn't been bereaved of a parent, and particularly so in childhood, can really understand how much it affects the rest of one's life. Even worse when you get thrust into an unloving, hostile environment, as I was. I thought I could cope, until I lost someone very dear to me in June - someone who got me through my childhood and yet who, because of his high profile status, is deemed by some as unworthy of my grief. Yet losing him was even worse, since this time, I am not six years old and I know that he is not coming back. I am seeing CRUSE right now and they are excellent, but although I am able to talk through my tears about my parents, I feel unable to bring up the name of the person I am grieving for now, who, in the absence of parents, became my joy, hope and reason d'etre. Nothing can bring back those we love and there are many like me, who grieve in silence and despair.

[Linda]

Hi Dee, I am so very sorry to hear of all you have been through. I hope that with the help of those around you, you can start to speak up and not feel that you have to grieve in silence. Wishing you lots of love for these difficult times and into the future. Thank you for your kind words. x

[cartside]

Linda, thank you so much for tackling this very difficult topic with so much sensitivity and information. You've really collated a lot here!

For very young children, they don't understand death. It's still important to be honest, but it can be disconcerting how little they miss the person who has died. They may not ask for the person, and then suddenly, something brings back a memory and they will ask out of the blue, which may of course throw the adult back on the path of grief.

I've always tried to explain to my daughter. She repeats the words but it's clear she has no concept of death and dying.

Memory books are a great way to keep memories alive, to keep talking about the person who died. It can be hard, especially at the beginning, but memories are all that's left so I find it's important to encourage them.

I found it interesting that even toddlers have long memories. When we visited a place for the first time, 8 months or so after our last visit with the person who had since died, my daughter kept asking for him, something she doesn't normally do. After all this time, something still triggered her memory. So visiting places where time together was spent is a good idea and maybe keep those memories alive in the very young child.

[Linda]

Hi Cartside, thank you so much for commenting so thoughtfully and fully. What you say about younger children is really interesting as the experiences recounted here focus on children aged five and updwards.

[Karin]

Wow, what a great feature Linda! Actually had to stop at one point as I was getting very teary. Well done for making something out of this even thought the other project folded. It's a great read - and a useful one - and I'm really glad I could help.

[Liz (Living with Kids)]

Hi Linda,
I've written about a little about grieving, and also about the loss of a pet on LivingwithKids, and also on my other blog and about Jade, who I knew.

No worries if none suitable but if it helps at all:
http://www.kidstart.co.uk/livingwithkids/post/2009/07/08/Simple-goodbye.aspx

http://www.kidstart.co.uk/livingwithkids/post/2009/08/13/Goodbye-old-friend.aspx
http://lizjarvis.blogspot.com/2009/08/loss-of-friend.htmlhttp://lizjarvis.blogspot.com/2009/02/we-can-all-learn-from-jades-dignity.html">http://lizjarvis.blogspot.com/2009/02/we-can-all-learn-from-jades-dignity.html">http://lizjarvis.blogspot.com/2009/08/loss-of-friend.htmlhttp://lizjarvis.blogspot.com/2009/02/we-can-all-learn-from-jades-dignity.html

[Nick via British Mummy Bloggers]

Although my boy's mum dies five and a hlaf years ago, and my blog is really about life after that, I rarely write about it. At home his mum is quite openly spoken about whenever she would logically be a part of the conversation...and he has a photo of her beside his bed.

Your piece is really interesting to read. Thanks