On bloggers, bullying and Bangladesh

TRY saying that without your teeth in.

AN anonymous poster has explained how being targeted by an online bully has made her feel.

Sadly, for me it is an all too familiar tale.

Blogging used to be fun, It wasn't about feeling compelled to post when if honest you knew you should be doing something else for fear of losing out in some rush for an imagined trophy of mass readership, a trip away or a book deal.

It wasn't about trying to outdo each other on how many comments you could get to power your way up the latest chart of "influence" or how many freebies you could grab.

It wasn't about slating PR people who had the temerity to contact you to highlight their wares when you had been included in one of the said lists, showing off said influence.

And it was certainly not about being made to feel like shit because you weren't interested in any of the above or "only" had 70 hits a day.

I remember when me and Erica used to swap the odd tentative email flagging up what we had written in the hope the other would spare the time to read it! Blogging grew out of a community spirit in a lot of ways, giving people a voice.

Yet here we are. Mum blogging is big news and spats among bloggers are a big pain.

I'm a mum, a company director and a blogger. At times I wonder why the hell I bother with the last bit. Honestly, some days my inbox is full of pleas for help from other bloggers who feel hurt by something they have read online, or more worryingly perhaps, something that someone has written directly to them or about them to a third party.

I get that I am a friendly person, I am humbled by the fact that people like me and trust me enough to confide in me about what has upset them.

But what I absolutely do not fully understand is why anyone, especially loving mums raising happy, confident children and who can in many cases, write like a dream, would allow this nonsense to affect them in this way. 

I hope that one day my inbox will be empty!

In my day job, I sometimes lead workshops in social media. I start each one by explaining there is no such thing as an expert in social media as it's such a fast-changing world. I say that you shouldn't get bogged down in the techie stuff and that you should conduct yourself online as you do in real life. I tell them I can pass on examples of 'best practice' learned the hard way but they should go off and try it for themselves according to their own passions, ethics and networks.

I'm making this point because there are people under the impression, that another person's "success" or "ranking" is something that can make them feel bad about their own efforts. I've read so many blog posts from newer bloggers complaining that they feel like the "uncool" girl at school. They feel ignored as a crowd or "clique" as they perceive it ,follow others whose blogs have been deemed more worthy. Holly, who has a gorgeous blog, gives her take here.

People are offering up pretty didactic tips on how, why and what you should be blogging. But do you know what the first rule of blogging is as far as I am concerned? There are no rules, except possibly, follow your heart.

Others are hailing "top" bloggers. Um excuse me but (nervously raises hand) there's no such thing as top blogger. And if there was, nobody would ever be able to agree on who they were anyway. 

So, bottom line? Can we all relax a bit please? Can we celebrate the fact that three wonderful bloggers, Josie, Eva and Sian, are heading for Bangladesh to report on work by Save the Children, help them all we can and not sweat the small stuff? 

Here's my comment on the anonymous blogger's post. I hope these frankly cobbled together off the top of my head points may be of some help if you are on the receiving end.

I'd also add that in general if you are feeling down about something that someone has said to you or about you, please be kinder to yourself. As it has been said so famously, no-one can make you feel inferior without your permission.

• Please do not get sucked in to online spats if you can help it, sadly some people are wind-up merchants who thrive on such dramas
• Please do not believe all you read
• Please remember at all times that your real life friends and your family who know you and love you may well be a better ‘sounding board’ or listening ear for your concerns rather than someone you only know from an online persona, which may or may not be accurate
• Please do step away from the computer and live your life and remember what the important things are
• Do not under any circumstances feel under pressure to blog or to keep up with the latest list from any type of social media agency or media consultant, these lists are put together to appeal to PR people and are no reflection whatsoever on you as a blogger or writer
• If someone upsets you either tackle them in private about it or leave them to it and ignore it, don’t let it eat away at you, you are better than that

Comments

[English Mum]

Bravo Linda, Bravo. At its best, being a blogger can be feeling at the centre of a magically supportive community, but at its worse it can be competitive, hurtful and downright horrible. I'm all for ignoring the crap, celebrating our friends, and talking total bollocks on my blog. And if that doesn't make me a 'top blogger', then sod it.
xx

[Liz (LivingwithKids)]

Very sensible post Linda as ever. I do wish people would be a bit more supportive of each other in the blogging community but it doesn't look as though it's gonna happen any time soon for obvious reasons. I'm so thrilled for those going to Bangladesh and anyone who uses their blogs to achieve something positive. By the way, sometimes I personally use the phrase 'top blogger' when what I really mean is 'top' as in 'sound', which is I think a Midlands expression I must have picked up from an old boyfriend. So as I've said before, you're a top blogger to me LJ. I look forward to seeing you and your knickers in October xxx

[Karin @ Cafe Bebe]

So well said there's nothing to say. Thank you for this...it should be required reading!

Karin

[Linda]

Thanks B & L.
:)
(Ignoring bit about knickers)

[Paula]

Well said Linda. We absolutely should celebrate the good that we see, relish in the real life friendships that we're lucky enough to gain from the social media merry-go-round and ignore the bad. The Bangladesh bloggers are a great example of people trying to make a difference. Bex & others did the same for Haiti - these examples (and many more) are the things that make me proud to be part of this community. xx

[Sian - MummyTips]

Linda,
Thank you for writing this post. You know that I am with you 100% and too wish for an inbox free from sadness caused by rankings, belittling and the spiteful behavior of others.
Josie, Eva and I have been given an amazing opportunity to work with Save the Children and this is just the beginning of long association with mums / bloggers as we fight to promote their cause.
Thank you for your support.
xx

[Linda]

Thanks Karin, that's really kind, I hope you and LM are doing well and having lots of fun.

[MrsLJHall]

Well said. I've hated reading recently that there has been lots of bitching and back stabbing in the mummy bloggers world. That is a sentence that just doesn't work on so many levels and yet I'm reading everywhere. How horrible that people feel the need to attack others - we all write part of ourselves into every blog and to attack that is very personal. I can't help but wonder how many people would do it if it were face to face. L x

[Vic]

Linda, you are my hero!

[Emma-Louise]

Well done for standing up and saying this - I've been blogging since December. For me it's just a way of letting off steam and a sort of "virtual therapy" I have 17 followers - sometimes I get comments and sometimes I don't. I'm not in this in a competitive sense and It didn't bother me until recently, when an attack of anxiety completely overwhelmed me. I'm ok and over that now. You're completely right, there are some more important things going on in the world. As for me I will keep blogging, and perhaps in future take the negative comments or any criticism on the chin. If I can do that in the virtual world, perhaps I'll be able to in the real world eventually.
I'm so glad I stumbled across your blog. xxx

[Chris at Thinly Spread]

What a well written and timely post. Thank you for this voice of reason Linda. xx

[Linda]

Oh thanks everyone, now if you will excuse me I have a Chinese buffet to go to.

Emma-Louise, thank you, I wish you lots of love and luck in taking things on the chin but many, many bloggers are hugely supportive, I hope you can do as much or little as you continue to want and that it's worthwhile for you.

MsLJHall no they wouldn't do it face to face but if they did, I would happily take them on. :)
Thanks Paula and Sian and Vic, well a big old snog to you. xx

[Suzie Grogan]

Thanks Linda. This is a comforting post.I am a new blogger - just 6 weeks - and have so enjoyed the writing side of the blogging as a way of recapturing that part of me that just enjoys expressing myself and getting words down on paper. I do admit though to feeling a bit intimidated by the lists thing and the shorthand used by bloggers on twitter and the fact that evweryone seems to know eachother so well. I also understand how Emma-Louise feels - not competitive but prone to anxiety attacks about negativity/how valid or interesting what I say is to the wider community. I will take heed and chill x

[Linda]

Thank you Suzie and your blog is a *brilliant* read!

I think anyone reading much of what I write can get to grips with what I'm like, online and in real life, I'm happy about that and also happy that people can see there is a warm welcome to be had!

Thank you Chris, what a lovely thing to say.

[Jane Alexander]

Yay! As always Linda says it like it is... I still don't quite *get* all the fuss about mummy blogging. In my mind, I'm a woman who just happens to be a mother who just happens to blog. I'm the first to hold up my hand and confess that, if there's a prize, I want it in my sticky paws - but all the fun and joy gets sucked out of blogging if it all becomes about statistics and lists. *yawn*

I have been very lucky blogwise in that I haven't (to my knowledge) had any nastiness (if anyone IS being nasty anywhere, just don't tell me, okay?) But I have been attacked on some websites and forums. Best rule I have found (after years of doing the rounds) is to ignore, ignore, ignore. Cyberbullies crave attention - if you starve them of it, they tend to crawl back into their holes. :)
Anyhow, sorry, long meandering ramble here - just want to raise my paw to Linda's post and encourage everyone to relax and enjoy blogging and bloggers (I have met some of THE nicest people through my blog and, frankly, that is all the award I will ever need!)... xxx

[Sarah]

Brilliant post Linda.

I'm a very relaxed blogging mum, but that's probably because not that many people read me!

[Erica]

Those were the days Linda ;)

I can't knock blogging though, it really has helped me find myself and for that I'll be eternally grateful.

Having said that it's not the same as it used to be and I don't think it ever will be, unfortunately.

[Deb@carrotsandkids]

It must be lovely to have been a blogger back in the day!

I loved your post and I'm sorry that there are people upset enough to fill your inbox with tales of woe.

I feel lucky in that I am totally unaware of spats or if someone is mean to me. Others' opinions of me are none of my business.

The various indexes are not that relevant to me because they are so different in their results and I don't understand how they're compiled. I think it's more the the PRs involvement that have pushed blogging from being a hobby into something that can have potentially greater rewards.

It's great that bloggers have been offered the wonderful chance to work with charities or visit Disney places a lot. But it's those kind of offers that, in my humble opinion, are divisive and make it seem there are "top" bloggers. I'm not sure if anything can be done to calm things down, I think it's just human nature.

[Linda]

Hi Erica, it's wonderful how much you have benefited from blogging and you have done this through a spirit of offering others guidance etc, please lend me a tenner.

Hi Deb, oh now that's really interesting. I've been to Disney twice courtesy of blogs, and the friendships formed on the first trip have been enduring, spilling over into real life.

I know that bloggers invited on those trips and others since come from all sorts of backgrounds and have all sorts of blogs, some such as the brilliant Caroline Smailes aren't 'mum' bloggers.

I've been offered a fair few trips in the last 12 months through my work on havealovelytime and have shared them out, because I could see there was an interest there from PRs, I decided to do something positive with that interest and asked bloggers benefiting from trips to make a donation to a children's cancer charity, same as with all the bloggers who got to go and see a panto with their family last year when we contacted theatres.

Not for one minute did it enter my head how much of a "top" blogger those going on trips were but the hope was they would of course have a lovely time because I either knew the review would be in safe hands or I admired their blog or whatever.

Since then I have seen people comment that they were "jealous" of trips, I naively thought they were joking. But I get it now, they may well really have been jealous.

[Dulwich Divorcee]

Thanks, Linda, for putting it all in perspective so well. You are fab xx

[Deb@carrotsandkids]

Hi Linda, I feel a bit of an outsider in the mummy blogging community (which is fine and probably totally me not anyone else) so that was just my view, as an onlooker so to speak.

It may not be like that at all! It is wonderful that you've been able to do some good for charity (and perhaps families that wouldn't necessarily be able to go on trips otherwise). Just like the charity trip bloggers, there's no doubt the community can be a force for good.

On the flip side though, I just think there would be those who were envious/jealous/whatever of those having these amazing opportunities. That's life, I guess.

[Anonymous]

As the author of the Blognonymous post you refer to here, I want to say thank you for this response. I worried my post would be too negative but at the same time I was aware similar things had happened to other people and I felt bullying needed to be discussed.

I think competitive behaviour and bullying will sadly always exist in the blogging community, but we can change how we react to them. On competitiveness: my blog is listed on a few rankings and it doesn't have any impact on my real life - it doesn't pay off my overdraft or make my kids better behaved. As you rightly say, this stuff is not important. And on bullying: to shrug off the negative stuff you need to have confidence and belief in your self. I believe everyone's capable of this. And if you're going to get really cut up about all this stuff, then maybe blogging's not for you.

My post was intended to reach out to people who are victims of bullying and let them know they're not alone and that they're not responsible for it. I think a lot of people can read this post you've written here and take comfort from it, thank you.

[angelsandurchinsblog]

I think your advice to step away from the keyboard is the best tip. It physically gives some distance, and hopefully helps you focus on what's more important, which is... what's away from the keyboard!

[Cass@frugalfamily]

That is exactly what needed to be said - well done you for saying it ;-)

[Holly at itsamummylife]

Linda this is such a down to earth look at the whole thing. I will read this back in times if doubt! I had missed that those guys are in bangldesh wow!! As you say that's the most important thing, doing something really useful with your blog. Thanks also for the lovely mention x

Thanks

[ella]

I know I've said it to you before Linda but you really reflect the community aspect of blogging x

[notSupermum]

Brava!! *stands up and applauds*

[Nova]

What great advice....thank you for posting this. x

[Sarah @ Mumra]

I think what you have said is really important Linda.

I haven't been blogging long but started out totally uniformed of any kind of blogging world. I'd never read another blog, i still don't get the chance often. I knew nothing of Twitter or PR companies, events or league tables. I simply did it for me and hoped some other people might get something from it.

Now i write it for the people who i know read it and like it by the comments i get and for my own pleasure.

Its easy to want more, its human nature but when you see how it turns into something so unattractive on the back of discontentment, i'm reminded to keep it simple and enjoy it.

[Linda]

Hi Sarah, good to hear you are relaxed about it, you have such a busy and active life, I can imagine blogging comes a long way down the list and I know you have been blogging long enough to see the ups and downs. I've often read your blog tho, I think sometimes people get sucked into thinking that if no-one comments, no-one is reading, they are you know.

Hi Ella, thanks that's a really nice thing to hear. :)

Hi NS, sit down you silly bugger.

Hi Nova, thank you!

Hi Sarah @mumra, thanks, yes your blog, your rules! I hope it goes really well for you, sounds like you are doing great.

Hi A&U, thanks, it's mad the way things seem to have turned around.

Hi Cass, thank you.

Hi Holly, thanks, I hope all thoughts of you not being a great blogger cos you're not on any lists have disappeared! Good luck.

[Pants With Names]

Linda, as ever, you are so right. If in doubt, step away from the computer and remember what is the most important thing in life!

I find that the internet world is so very much more public than the real world. The stats mean it is so easy for people to measure themselves against someone else in a way you can't normally do. It taps right into so many of our insecurities. But they don't actually mean anything, just it can be difficult to remember sometimes! Also, the internet is so public. You can see what everyone else is saying. But it isn't real life. x

[Peggy]

Well said linda as always. It is a bit sad to see what some people make of blogging... lets chill and enjoy it! Hope you are well xx

[amy]

Well said hun, i've always blogged for fun and for friendship and i have made some utterly wonderful friends doing this. I never get involved in spats and i will continue to keep just having fun and enjoying reading people's blogs xxxx

[TheMadHouse]

I think that it is very important to try and keep perspective on what blogging is. It isn't real life, but it really does effect peoples Real lives.

I came to blogging when I was pretty isolated as a mum at home and found it a great way of connecting with people.

It is like any community, it has it cliques, groups and problems.

I am a firm believer in Karma and hope what goes around comes around and that people should only treat others as they expect to be treated.

We are all different and our unique perspectives and opinions are what makes blogging great, it is what makes blogs a good read.

People shouldn't feel the need to follow the herd, but regardless they do and they always will, wether there is stat and rating involved or peoples ideas of who is a top blogger (is there such a thing).

Envy doesn't look good on people, but it is only human nature. As is the feeling that blog posts are directed at them. I read the this and that shouldn't happen and feel the invisible finger pointing at me (even though I know that is me doing the pointing).

I do think that people often blog as an outlet and as a way to connect with people, especially us mums (who are often far too busy or isolated) and that maybe we do take things to heart, espeically when blogging becomes too big a part of your life.

[kerry@ miss power writes...]

Fantastic post Linda!

And can I just say - as a PR person - that I pay no attention to 'top blogger lists'.

The mum and dad blogs I deal with are those I have spent a considerable amount of time reading. I ask them to join because I like what they write and can see that they really interact with their readers and have the respect and admiration of their peers.

I also ask other members to recommend their favourite bloggers to me and occasionally will put a 'shout out' on Twitter as I know I will receive recommendations from the fantastic mum and dad bloggers I already follow.

Now don't get me wrong - I'm not saying that clients don't ask about figures - but it is NEVER a deal breaker.

Blogs are personal. You're dealing with someones experiences and emotions here - not their stats and rankings.

[MrShev]

Great post. I sit on the sidelines of the 'mummy blogger' community and I have only seen a little bit of cliqué-iness and bitchiness - but I tend to only read blogs that don't get involved in that.

I recently had a 'troll' on my blog who got very, very personal and then began to make personal threats. I couldn't help myself and responded and it just made matters worse. In the end I blocked his/her (though trolls tend to be male, under 30 and single) IP, deleted all comments and ignored everything else.

Gave me me the heebie-jeebies though.

[clareybabble]

Some very wise words...and thank you xx