God help me, it's a conference call

GREAT excitement in our office this morning as we await the arrival of a colleague for a conference call with clients many miles away.

I've been practising pushing different buttons on my phone and have discovered that we can both speak at once if we want without lifting the receiver as well as hearing everyone else.

Who knew?

Still it's much better to be here than where I was a few years back.

Sitting on my stairs at home with an ill child upstairs (but possibly pretending to be in the office), I felt  the sweat prickling.

Inevitably, after calling the number as directed, I'm kept waiting. The clock is ticking way past the arranged time and nothing is happening. The angry knot in my stomach is growing by the second. There go several minutes of my life I'll never get back.

Humming Blondie's Hanging on the Telephone and muttering darkly about what I'd like to do with the lead, I still jump out of my skin when someone else says "hello".

Here we go. But now there's a problem so common you'd think it would be fixed now: a time delay on every phrase.

The delay can turn the most serious conversation into something like the Two Ronnies' Mastermind sketch: specialist subject - "answering the question before last".

Question: What is Bernard Manning famous for? Answer: That is the question.

Question: Who is the Archbishop of Canterbury? Answer: He's a fat man who tells blue jokes.

We do the same, but with marketing speak, it's not so potentially amusing. 

Someone is repeating my name and asking if I agree. Unfortunately I can't tell who it is. "Yes," I say, "now what was the question?"

Suddenly, a low slurping noise assaults my ear.

Mike from the fundraising department is drinking coffee.

"Turn the mute on Mike, will you," we all screech.

So we get baffling piped music instead. There's a wail from upstairs. Now then, have I pressed the mute button? What does the hash key do again? Should I press it or risk them hearing a poorly daughter calling for some water?

"All right, sweetheart, I'll be there in a minute," I say soothingly. "No, not you Mike," I say, less soothingly. "I'm not coming to see you."

We're on to point six of the agenda. (Did someone say agenda?)

An intermittent beeping sound invades our conversation. Someone is pressing their buttons. "Stop it," says a voice I don't recognise.

A loud rasping noise follows, then silence.

Uh-oh. Someone is sitting on a leather chair.

I'm grateful for small mercies - it's not me. Nobody wants to be remembered as the one who insisted they didn't have wind during the last conference call.

At last it's over.

Phew, now what exactly have I learned? My notes are something about Debbie Harry, Ronnie Corbett and "don't forget to say pardon".

The solution is to meet in person, I'm sure of it.

What's a frighteningly steep train ticket between friends? Forget Skype or Instant Messenger, I'm far too old and grumpy for any of that.

 

Comments

[Cathy @ NurtureStore]

I hate phones. I was on the radio recently (get me!) on a conference call and could hear nothing at all that the DJ and the other guest were saying until I was live on air. Horror! I'm all for meeting in person, especially if there's cake.

[teawithonesugarplease]

I had to do one of these from home it was terrible lots of screaming in the background (my tots) while trying to remain professional on the line LOL the Singapore office must have thought I was in a loony bin
PS I have a big beauty giveaway on my blog x

[Michelle Twin Mum]

So glad I do NOT have to do this at work! Technology is too frightening! lol Mich x

[scribblingmum]

Brilliant! I'll never forget one that I had where I could hear snoring where there should have been one of the team who was 'working from home'. But I started to get worried as I knew he was seriously diabetic and so started frantic shouting down the line and calling his wife. About 30 minutes later he woke and came up with a wonderfully elaborate story about how the noise had actually been a helicopter in the street as there'd been a police incident! He admitted to me afterwards that he'd taken the call whilst sitting on the bed, it'd been sunny and he'd just had a wee kip in the sun.

I try to never do them from home anymore after the time I shouted "Ariel will be fine, Ursula is just an octopus" when I thought I was on mute. The other Mums knew what the hell I was talking about but the men were just confused.

[Ellee]

It's fun, isn't it. I love conference calls.