Why twins' parties needn't be double the trouble

FOR as long as my daughters have been school-age, I've considered it inevitable they'd be invited to different parties, one without the other.

 

This meant that when they were younger, we tended to try and make the time special for our other daughter in some way while their sister was out celebrating.

 

These days we basically just tell them ‘that’s life.’ They both have their own mates after all and we wouldn’t expect other mums to automatically invite their sister.

 

One weekend for example, we had a friend of Melissa’ staying as Emily was invited to a sleepover along with a select group of three other girls – all members of what they call their ‘best friends' club.’

 

Being her sister didn’t guarantee entry.

 

Once a mum told me she didn't invite either daughter to a party because she didn't want to upset the other one.

 

But it’s not just going to parties that can throw up ‘interesting’ issues you never knew existed. A post by Joanne Mallon over on Ready for Ten all about birthday party etiquette, including what to do about inviting twins or going to a party for twins, has got me thinking.

 

Sometimes the smallest things about having a party or birthday would cause me to stop and think. Joint cards and presents were very gratefully received but we would have loved one each.

 

I remember one year, the sender had scribbled over the “you” on Wishing you a Happy Birthday to make it wishing you both a happy birthday. I muttered a bit but felt guilty at being ungrateful and perhaps, over-reacting.  It was hardly the end of the world and at least they had gone to the trouble to send a card.

 

But when I spoke to oher mums of twins. I was heartened to find I was not alone, with the general consensus being only people without multiples would send a single card.

 

Karen, mum to Thomas and Benjamin, aged two, said: "This is one of my pet hates. People just don't seem to understand that they are individuals. They may be twins, but if you had two children of different ages, whose birthdays were the same, would they still only give one card?

 

“When my two had their first birthday, they had a few cards like this and I just couldn't help myself for saying something. People just thought that I was being picky, but this really drives me up the wall. Even worse is one present to share. ”

 

Emma, mum of Toby and Seth, also two, added: "When it was their first birthday we got a card saying Happy Birthday Twins. What made it slightly worse was that it was from my best friend who knows how much I dislike that sort of thing." 

 

Lorraine, mum of triplets Harry, Laura and George pointed out that what to send or give to their friends on their birthday has also proved thought provoking.

 

She says: “My triplets always send a card each as well as a present, it may not cost much as they will usually get something from the £1 shop along with a large packet of sweets but at least they all get to give the birthday child a present and card.”

 

"As a mother of triplets I strive to promote individuality in our children and I would hope others would follow suit but sometimes they need a gentle reminder.

 

“My children attend lots of parties for other multiple birth children and I make sure that I practice what I preach. The obvious delight on a child’s face when they realise that they can open their own card and present from each of my children is wonderful.”

 

To be fair to card buyers, the range available isn't exactly overwhelming.

 

Choice is severely limited.

 

As children get older they do not want birthday cards that underline their being part of a multiple birth unit but at the very beginning, when they are first born, it would be nice to enjoy the same level of choice as other parents.

 

Top tips for a very happy birthday

• Have a quiet word with friends and relations before the big day - politely ask them to send a card each.
• Start as you mean to go on - However young your children, they are individuals and should be treated as such.
• Practice what you preach - a present from each of your children, however inexpensive, will be well appreciated and should go some way to ensuring the favour is returned.
• If you want to go to the effort separate thank you cards are also a nice idea.

~

Comments

[Teawithonesugarplease]

Great post - I always hated sharing presents and cards with my sister. I made it very clear when my two turned 1, to treat as two different beings. So who sends a joint card but the sister in law who should have known better and it had two peas in a pod (they are non-identical) I pointed this out to her and she umed and ahhed and looked embarrassed. Don't ever feel you are being picky or impolite, it is a snub to your children and you have every right to defend their feelings. Thanks for the tip about making the other child feel special when they do not get invited out. I've got all this ahead of me!

[Linda]

hello! thank you, I think you will have a definite head start when it comes to knowing what to do to make sure no-one feels left out! In the Ready for Ten article I was also asked if I preferred the same thing or different as a present, I said different, so not as to spoil the surprise as they are unwrapped! x

[karen - allabouttheboys]

Great post Linda, I will def be practising what I preach from now on. I always ask for a card each (not necessary to give a present, but appreciated when it is) BUT I have always just sent a joint card and present ! Oops ! I am duly chastened and will amend my ways. xxx

[grit]

we haven't had this problem at all, which i'm grateful for. maybe my three girls are each seen as very individual and different, so they each receive cards and presents just for them.

the *only time* they were ever treated as a class set was, in fact, when they attended nursery, and the staff made a great deal of fuss to the single child who turned up that day, and then when the other two turned up next day, they literally said 'oh we celebrated that yesterday'.

maybe our lack of problem in this area is a reflection of the circles we move in, eh? (shall i duck?)

[Linda]

Hi Karen, it's a minefield, isn't it?
Hi Grit - must be! :) I don't think it comes down to how individual or different the children are, more a lack of realisation on the buyer's part and I've seen plenty of comment that one present between two or three is better than none, which is also a view I can understand. I sometimes think the ability to see both sides isn't the best gift a blogger can have!

[Rebecca]

Such a useful post. We've just celebrated Tilly and Jasper's first birthday and I hadn't really thought that much about it. Mostly they got separate cards and presents, but then a couple of joint presents like a swing and a sand pit. One thing that did particularly annoy me, and I have a feeling it shouldn't have, was my step mum got them both and outfit each, but then also got Tilly a jacket (they didn't have the boys version available in store). Is it wtong that I was offended by this? Should they have 'equivalent' presents? I didn't have the nerve to say anything though!

[Linda]

I hear you Rebecca! I think it just comes from wanting to treat them fairly so when we perceive one is being favoured over the other, that can niggle but then we think: "hang on, we're lucky to have people care and buy us nice stuff for them in any case," Perhaps sometimes we overthink it! As they get older, you may find that the ones speaking up for the belief they should have "equivalent" presents is....them. x

[Christina Tinglof]

"Once a mum told me she didn't invite either daughter to a party because she didn't want to upset the other one."

Sadly, this happens more times than parents of twins realize (even for playdates), especially if the parent pushes for both twins to always be together. But you seem like you have a great attitude about it all. I often believe it's the parent's attitude about it all that the kids pick up on. If you're OK with one twin going on a playdate or to a birthday party by herself, then the co-twin will accept it much easier as well.

[Linda]

That's really interesting, thank you Christina. :) I can't see why anyone would insist on it,find it a bit baffling!